Tak nak pergi, boleh tak?

Macam -- tak nak...
Like -- benci kind of tak nak.
Like -- no point kind of tak nak.
Like -- wasted kind of tak nak.
Like -- tak nak - walaupun dapat title best student. 

Boleh tak, nak duduk rumah je, makan ais krim, dengan lolipop cicah chocolate syrup dengan icing sugar dan buat bunyi slurrrpp..

Atau -- mungkin boleh jemput Xiao untuk meraikan saya.

An awkward situation, where you contacted your old flame, and say sorry, for the things that you may did that may hurt him - for when you realised that what goes around actually comes around ---

And at the precise moment when the youtube was playing Angel Acoustic version while you were reading his reply.

Seriously melancholic, and makes you want to weep.

REMARK : IELTS DONE!

Now that the IELTS is done, and majority of paper marking is completed - I can finally have some good time of my own, sitting leisurely, enjoying a cup of ice blended mochaccino and a good bite of donut --- wait a sec.  That's just me over-blabbering about insignificant stuff.  In reality, I have insufficient fund to even survive up to the next month's salary.  This month salary was being used up for a new baju kurung, the IELTS fee, and the stupid summons I received in my mail last month. 

Anyway, the IELTS test went smoothly despite the fact that I only managed to get only 2 and a half hours of sleep last night due to the last minute revision (via youtube -- you see how technology are useful in crucial times like this).  Majority of the candidates are foreigners with very interesting and beautiful feature.  (ya, aku sangat cemburu dengan hidung mancung dan alis lentik mereka).  Insya-Allah, felt confident with the test.  I'll have to wait for the next 13 days to claim my result.

One of the significant thing that actually happens when I was actually revising (note:waiting for the youtube file to be uploaded) is that gatal-gatal tangan aku pergi click to one person's facebook page.  Albeit the fact that I tried not to be associated with that particular person anymore, but I guess curiosity gets over my nerves.  I realised that my rage towards that person never subsided since upon seeing his update, I felt a weird chill that sends my body shivers with anger.  My hands are shaking, I felt damn cold.  I mean - I never experience that kind of feeling when I'm angry.  Once, maybe, but that is only upon being provoked by some b****.  Until I have a proper 'sorry' from him, I guess, I may never forgive him.  Oh, and may never 'halal' whatever he gained from my help.

Anyway, realising that the negativity stirs my emotions which will definitely affect my 'last-minute-revision' session, immediately I called Xiao at the brink of 1am just to get hold to my sanity.  He is the remedy to all the damaging stuff that jerk inflicted on me.  At 1am, although he is already deep in his dreamland, he's still willing to be at the end of the line - like he always did before.

Xiao helped me a lot throughout my IELTS preparation.  At one time, I requested to speak English with him during one of our daily phone conversation.  He is OK with it because although he can't reply back in English, he still understands the point that I am trying to make.  It's interesting when one person is talking English and the other talking Malay just like a normal daily conversation like there's no language barrier which makes me feel like my brain is doing the multiple direction way of thinking.

Speaking about Xiao, he proposed a veeerryy interesting holiday activity.   Since he will not be coming down any time within the month because of his tight schedule, instead he says, why don't I go up to his place.
"Why don't you come here, fully sponsored -- bus, accomodation, food, everything.  You just hop on the bus, and I give you a tour of your life.  Anyway, you helped my father during his stay at Subang Jaya." 

He was actually referring to the time I sponsored his family's stay at the Cottage Inn Hotel at the time they need to send his brother to the college.  Haaaaaaaaa...  You can imagine me giving the jaw-gaping face upon hearing his proposal.  Chantek!  Hm, after the examination week, perhaps?  At the end of this month, maybe...?

Wa, gua tidak sabar!  A new adventure is on the line.  Now that is something that can bring me back to my sanity.  *happy semula*

REMARK : 2 DAYS TO GO FOR IELTS.

I hate the application procedure in Malaysia.  Be it for the purpose of further study, or for sponsorship program, or even job application, I simply hate it.  Not to name any organisation, but I think you know what I mean.

1) Birth certificate

In order to classify my application as 'COMPLETE', I have to present a copy of my identification card (ok), and my birth certificate (hm - fine), and my parent's identification card (hhhhmmmm) and my parent's birth certificate (what the ---??).

For those who can't understand what the fuss all about, let me enlighten you with a question -- for those with parents that were born in the early years of independance day, HAVE YOU SEEN HOW YOUR PARENT'S BIRTH CERTIFICATE LOOKS LIKE...???  It's just a piece of paper, written with your parents name, details, their parent's detail and stuff -- that in the year 2009, you simply classify their document as ANCIENT history that could not be touched and sometimes - could not be read - because it is too fragile, that even touching it may turn the paper into dust.  With the yellowish colour and torn appeareances, you simply wonder why they still want to use that as an official document.

The bottom line is - what's the purpose of our identity card being equipped with all the SIM-canggih-canggih kind of chips when you still use the nomad way of processing?

And - I'm the one applying for the sponsorship, why do they still need the details of my parents?  It's not like they're going to sit next to me throughout my studies.

When I asked the person in charge regarding this - hoping that I may be exempted from presenting my parent's birth certificate, she answered, "Ini adalah untuk memastikan kewarganegaraan awak."  Which I replied as, "IC saja tak boleh?", and she replied "Maklumat tu tak ada dalam IC."  -- you can imagine me giving the stoned-you-think-i'm-stupid-heh-face at that point.

Abolish the identity card, then!

2) IELTS

Now - now - taking IELTS when you are going to study in a foreign country is OK.  It is to measure your competence level to survive in an english speaking country.

But taking IELTS when you will be enrolling in a local university is a waste of government's money.  Making that as a requirement to apply for study leave is even stupid. 

Now that I need to present my IELTS result as soon as possible, I have no choice but to pick the nearest date of the examination and just be it.  (note : nearest date = no classes or preparatory training).  When people heard about my action, they go "Kau ingat IELTS tu senang...???" or "Tak ambil kelas dia ke?" and giving the the oh-my-God-that's a deadly-decision kind of face.

Yer, aku sangat takut - and no matter how hard they tried to counter the initial expression by saying "Takpe, budak UM, mesti senang punya" or "Takpe, terror English", that still won't make it any easier.

And --- what does graduating from UM makes it any easier to sit for the IELTS?  Blogging in english, is totally different than speaking in English, and even different than writing factual and analytical essays in English.  It's serious stuff, we're talking about, people!  Not the "I am emotional that I can torment you and lock you down under the basement" kind of thing. 

3) 2-3-4 ORIGINAL COPIES

Bila lah mereka mahu sedar bahawa menandatangani begitu banyak dokumen adalah sesuatu yang memenatkan, dan suatu pembaziran kertas yang sangat sia-sia.

And because of that, I can't submit my application because it is INCOMPLETE - and so, I hate it.  It delayed me.

REMARK : 6 DAYS TO GO FOR IELTS.

A note to Shai :
If you are reading this, can you enlighten me on some items in 'The Ladies of Grace Adieau', why must the author left the name of the location underlined, such as D_____shire or S_____...??  Are we suppose to fill in the blanks...??  Or is the place too magical that is has to be kept secret?

And oh -- now I know that 'show' can be spelled as 'shew' that she uses 'showing' as in 'shewing' got me thinking of my mum's sewing machine at home...

If I were to become one of the chapter in Ladies of Grace Adieu, it would be filled with gruesome details about a Fairy who is a soft spoken, sweet and kind hearted, that her sight pleases those who laid eyes on her, her smell cooed others, her voice charmed the birds, her skin as soft as feather, and her smile -- aaaahh -- brought man to their knees.  She lives on the hill M____, overlooking the sea, a few miles behind the stream of waterfall where beautiful strike of rainbow always appears in the day.  Beautiful, tantalizing, and amazing.  Her house is lavender colour, the walls are filled with dark red roses, with exotic scent, and butterflies flying around the garden.

(where's the gruesome part...???)

OK, here goes.  Deep down beneath the basement of the lavender house with walls filled with dark red roses - is a room, not fit for any living thing.  The air is thick with stench of urine, darkness undefined by any black in the world, eerieness crept to the core being for those who enters the room.

A man was seated in that cold-dark-lonely-eerie-room.  With the room sealed with unbroken chants, the man is unable to get away.  He, who once smelled of sweet fragrant is now part of the thick urine.  His lips are stitched criss-crossly with blood oozing out at every sewing point.  His eyes are wide open for he is unable to shut it for any eenie second.  His nose was half eaten by a group of mice that appears mysteriously at any random time.  His hands are mutilated with gruesome wound and deep scar that breeds white worm eating the leftover of the muscles.

For what reason does that man did which deserves that kind of torment and pain?  That whatever he inflicted to others that makes the Fairy keep him tucked away deep beneath the basement? 

A punishment - for he - who used to be an adorable and charming man. 

For he, charmed other just for his own selfish needs.
For he, filled his lips with sweet talks to cooed others to do his job.
For he, looks through his eyes at another woman's physical property, and uses it as a judgment against their personality.
For he, smells the hair of another woman and flatter them of the fragrant of their hair.
For he, touched others with his hands -- to make them believe.

For he -- who have reached to their heart.

For he -- who left them -- one after another -- when he found them to be of no use - anymore.

A torment for a lying cheating bastard.

Never ever did the Fairy went down to look after the man.  For she believes a man who uses other people's heart should not be left dead -- but to be kept alive and be punished for his lifetime for he can never understand the meaning of heartbreak -- for that is a type of man who says thing, just for the sake of saying it, for that type of man, is an insensitive, selfish, heartless - brat.

When one sunny day, the Fairy's path crossed with Captain Xiao - a man of honour, but rude, and never uses his charm, for he is going to do his job for himself, for he bows down to woman with respect upon them passing by, for he never smelt any fragrant for he believes that the only scent he is going to live with is the scent of his true love -- for he who have never reached any woman's heart -- who in the end, has reached the Fairy's heart - for the Fairy is finally in love -- that the spell on the basement room is now broken.

The poor man who was tormented is being set free.  With no tongue that he is unable to charm others.  With amputated hands, for he is unable to touch others.  WIth ugly disfiguration, for no one have the will to be near him.  For he, will never be able to lie and cheat - ever again that all woman can now keep their worries away.

And for that -- the world -- should be a better place to live in.

note : hmm, emosional nampak...??  Lame attempt to write classics...haha!

REMARK : 9 DAYS TO GO FOR IELTS.

My housemate is so funny that I'll just go straight to her to have a good laugh.  Yesterday, I was telling her about my excessive eating behaviour that these past week, my shitting pattern does not fit with the food consumed that I think my stomach is too densed with the 'undigested' waste.  Which explains how I ended up eating bananas like some hungry monkey just to free up the space in my digestion system.

-- well, that's more or less how we started to talk about 'shit' and 'fart'.

She talked about how her friend was asking her "dapat kentut kaaa?  dapat kentut kaa?" upon seeing her face scrunched due to the stomach pain inflicted by holding her fart prevously.  She talked about it so casually with her northern accent that I laughed uncontrollably upon listening to her.  Her laugh even sound so genuine, that I laughed upon hearing her own laughter.

I mean - I love hearing people laugh.  Not the ha-ha-ha-pura-pura kind of laugh, but the real wahahahahaha-kind of laugh that have its own frequency and vibration.  Laughter is like a genuine emotions of how that person actually enjoys spending time with you.  But I think I had a bad type laugh.  XIao imitated me laughing that I think it is so hideously ugly that I ended up laughing again - which makes me realise that I laughed exactly the way he imitated me. 

Anyway, I dreamt about my housemate last night, telling a funny story that I think I actually laughed in my sleep.  Phew -- if I'm married, my husband must've thought that I'm dreaming a romantic scene with him.  Hah, dream on! 

p/s -- what does 'shit', 'fart' and IELTS have anything in common that it has to be put in this one single entry?  (to desperate to write in English that I'll mnake do with the shit and the fart part).

Aahh... finally, a new look, for a so-called-new life.  Yeah, I know - I even had the same thought in my mind, which goes like "this curvy-pattern makes a nice wedding card."  Harks!  Bila dah over-ly inspired, that's how it normally goes.  No more 'i want to fly away' or 'freedom' or 'jiwa kacau' kind-of features.  It's all about flowers and butterflies and sleek curves - and purple make such a good colour.  It's the healing process people.  And it's the 'slicing-away-bad-memories' therapy.

Anyhow, upon the design of new layout, normally I write more frequent - just to see how my writings appear on the newly published design...  But, this time around seems different.  I still delay my rantings - that when I want to write it at the moment I feel like writing, the issue already went 'kapooff'.

I guess, maybe it's the nature of work - that requires me to talk for either 1 straight hour or 2 straight hour, or even to the extent of 4 straight hours - that when it's time to write what I want to express, I no longer feel the urgency to update this space.  Which is why I prefer to linger around facebook leaving some short-notes or cooking in the Cafe World game...  Because it is filled only with people that I cherish.

I am currently hooked up with my future studies.  Already got two offer from abroad university - but seems like I have to bypass those tantalising offers and just make do with the local univ.  Hey, at least my univ ranked first in Malaysia (ayat menyedapkan hati).  Application to universities outside Malaysia is much easier than applying for local universities.  I mean, it only takes less than 1 week for me to prepare the documents, and another week to receive the phone call informing me that I already got a place there, and compared with the local univ's that requires details of every single thing that came to the extent of annoying the crap out of me, and another 2 months just to be informed that I'm admitted. 

I'm going for the IELTS test in the next 2 weeks.  Which makes matter worse is to think that my English is getting a bit rusty - and makes it a reason to update this blog every single day in English just to keep up with the pace. 

And - i guess -  I have to stop here to save some issue for tomorrow.  Enjoy the new look.  I know you love it.  It's from my whacky head - and inspired from the Almighty God.  Gratitude!